Funerals

Last weekend was fun for me. I went to the Renaissance Fair with my mother on Saturday and went to a local colonial era festival with my sister on Sunday (mostly arts and crafts vendors but with a few battle re-enactments and costumes). After working all week and being busy last weekend, I was hoping for an opportunity to relax this weekend, but apparently I'm out of luck. This weekend is not only going to be busy, but also depressing. My husband's father's best friend passed away so we went to the viewing and my parents' neighbor passed away as well and we have to go to the funeral this morning. These were people that my husband and I have known since we were children so it's a rough weekend for both of us. However, going to viewings and funerals is hard for me for a different reason. It's not so difficult because of the people who died this time, but because death always makes me think about my grandmother. That was by far the hardest death I've ever had to go through.

As soon as the news spread, everyone knew that I would take it the hardest. I was her primary caregiver in the months before she died, I spent every day with her, I grew up with her and spent far more time at my grandparents' house than my sister or my cousins, and of course, I was the one that found her. Everyone then started to make their attempts of conveying sympathy and trying to comfort me. They're nice gestures, but anyone who's ever lost someone truly close to them knows that there isn't anything that can actually help in that situation. It's been three and a half years now and to this day, nothing has helped. If the topic of death disturbs you, skip this post. I'm not holding back, but I am willing to give fair warning.

Being the person who finds the dead body of a loved one is difficult in a way that I can't even begin to explain. It's one of those things that you've either experienced and understand or you don't and won't be able to understand no matter how it's explained to you. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to handle. I walked into that room and immediately went into a panic. I refused to accept that she was gone. I called 911 and attempted CPR on someone who at that point had been dead for hours, whose body was already in rigor mortis, whose mouth was hanging open and eyes weren't fully closed, whose body was half laying off the bed, whose legs were swollen and purple from blood draining. Death seems peaceful when you get to just show up at the funeral home and see the person lying in a casket with their arms folded. Death seems peaceful when the monitor in the hospital suddenly goes flat. I watched my great uncle die before my eyes in the hospital and though it was hard when the monitor began to sound, he was still lying there in his hospital bed just the same as a moment before. I didn't see my uncle die, but I saw him the hours leading up to his death and saw how hard he was fighting to live, struggling to breathe, and I can only imagine what my cousins must have gone through being in the room when he passed. I'm glad they got to be with him though, because while I don't know if it would've been harder for them to find him later or watch him pass, at least they don't have to deal with the unanswered questions that I have to deal with.

My grandmother quite obviously died while trying to get out of bed. She may have known it was coming, she may have cried out for help, she may have been attempting to get to someone who could help her or trying to reach for the phone. I'll never know now, but I know she didn't get to die in her sleep like she wanted. She didn't get the peaceful death we all deserve. Nothing anyone can tell me will change that. No amount of people telling me that it wasn't my fault will get me to care because I know if I had heard her call out, if she even did call out, at least she wouldn't have died alone. Even if I couldn't have prevented it, I would have preferred for her to die with someone there with her.

Now I have to live with that, knowing I wasn't there for her in the moment when she needed me the most even though she was there for me my entire life. That's the hardest thing to have to live with. I have a lot of things in my life to feel guilty over, but nothing has ever topped this. Every time I'm faced with the issue of death, I have to deal with it again. Every time something reminds me of her, I have to deal with it. When I watch a movie, tv show, or go through a haunted house and someone is lying in the position I found her in, I start to feel sick. I hyperventilate and feel like I'm going to pass out. My heart starts racing, I feel like I can't breathe, can't focus, get hit with a wave of nausea, and start crying. Sometimes it's even hard for me to find the words to explain why or what I'm feeling, I just shut down and my body goes into panic mode like I'm finding her all over again. When I dream at night, sometimes it's me reliving that moment. My dream self walks toward that door and I know what's on the other side but I have to open it anyway. Sometimes I find her alive in the room and my mind knows that's not what really happens and part of me says that this isn't right, it's not what happened, but then dream me ignores it and just hugs her and pretends that it's real even though everything suddenly feels "off". Dream me starts to wonder if it's really her or something that looks like her pretending to be her. It's not something you deal with right after the death and just move on with your life afterward. It's something I will probably be dealing with for the rest of my life. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I'm not sure exactly how these two people died this week but I know they were sick for a long time. I hope, both for their sake and for the sake of their loved ones, that they either passed away peacefully in their sleep or with their loved ones with them. I hope they didn't feel pain. I hope their loved ones don't have to deal with any unanswered questions that they will be wondering about for the rest of their lives. The alternative is devastating.

Coffee and Contemplation

Good morning, everyone! I don't know about you, but personally, I have a bad habit of getting really into new things and then once the initial excitement wears off, I tend to become lazy and drop them. That's what happened when I first made this blog a few years ago and I fear it will happen again. So I decided to challenge myself to stick with it! So far I've noticed that I tend to think about spirituality the most in the mornings when I first wake up and have time to sit and sip my coffee and therefore that's when I make most of my blog posts. I decided that I will challenge myself to contemplate my spirituality every non-work day morning as I sit and have my coffee (work days are rough for me though...) and to make a new post on this blog on those mornings. To start, I think I'll set the challenge for two weeks. Wish me luck!

P.S. One of my best friends is trying to get into spirituality too, so we're trying to either find a list of questions or make our own list of questions regarding self-exploration on the topic of spirituality. If you know of any, let me know in the comments! Thanks!

CAPEs and CEOs

If you're anything like me, you saw the acronyms in the title and thought "What in the world does that mean? Is she going to talk about superheroes and businessmen?" Unfortunately no, this won't be a fun post about Clark Kent and Lex Luthor. I'm going to be talking about Catholics today. I just saw those acronyms for the first time this morning in the reblogs of a tumblr post and I had to google what they meant. Apparently, CAPE stands for Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday, and Easter and CEO stands for Christmas and Easter Only. The acronyms are used to make fun of, belittle, and complain about "lapsed Catholics" or people who only attend mass a few times a year. You might be saying to yourself, "but I thought Jesus told us NOT to judge others?"...so did I. So did I.

As I was scrolling through all the beautiful seasonal and spiritual posts on my tumblr dashboard this morning I came across this gem of a post. Apparently nothing ticks some people off more than "once a year churchgoers" and some people find "E-and-C Catholics" so "stressful". (No disrespect to the blog I linked to as that person seemed to be sticking up for the people being judged and complained about). I am a little bothered by this because I am probably the exact type of person they are referring to when they say these things and I know many other people like me.

I am going to take this opportunity to discuss some of the reasons that either I personally have for only going to Catholic mass a few times a year or reasons that I know other people have told me they have for only going a few times a year:

• People were raised Catholic and still participate in the same holiday traditions as their family and do so with their family, but personally do NOT consider themselves to be Catholic anymore.
• Families can force or coerce their adult children to go to church even when they don’t believe it anymore and the twice a year a thing can be a compromise or they can be guilted into it.
• The people in their family’s parish, including the priest leading the homily they have to sit and listen to, could be hateful and could be preaching things that the person does not want to subject themselves to. This is a big one for me. I’m tired of listening to homily after homily of homophobic, xenophobic, misogynistic, pro-war and violence propaganda. I think the final straw was when I had to listen to a homily where the priest thought it was appropriate to make fun of a fat woman he saw. I was done. I had to restrain myself from walking out on the spot. And yes, I realize I have the option to go to another church but IF. I. DON’T. WANT. TO. THAT'S. MY. BUSINESS. AS. IT’S. MY. LIFE. AND. MY. FAITH. Whether or not I want to go and how often I want to go is up to me and is a deeply personal decision to make. I know of lgbt people who no longer want to go to mass for the same reason. They feel hated and judged when they go so they give up on going.
• We could have a genuine issue with the Catholic church and prefer to pray on our own. For me, my primary issue is that they won’t ordain women. If I’m not viewed as equal in the eyes of the church because I’m a woman, I DON’T WANT TO BE THERE AT ALL. PERIOD. I DON’T FEEL WELCOME. Just because I MIGHT show up to mass a few times a year or go to the fish fry doesn’t mean anything. I still get something out of mass when I do go, I still get something out of saying some Catholic prayers or saying the Rosary, but the Catholic church as an institution makes me feel unwelcome. Some might take issue with the way the church handled the child abuse cases and don’t feel comfortable going anymore. People might have problems with the church for different reasons and choose to handle them in different ways.
• Going on the holidays with our families could just be a cultural thing, while we personally might be agnostics, Christians but not necessarily Catholics anymore, religious pluralists like I am, we might not agree on the exact theology of the Church anymore, some of us might actually practice a different religion in secret but have to hide it from our parents, etc. 

There are lots of reasons why people might not want to go to mass anymore but might still very occasionally go on important days for their family’s sake. They can judge us for that if they want, but they would be going against Jesus’ commandments if they do. Sorry not sorry that our existence is so “stressful” for you guys. Have you tried minding your own business? Maybe that will solve your stress problem. Spirituality, religion, and faith are deeply personal things. It’s not one size fits all. Some feel comfortable in the Catholic church and some don’t. I personally don’t believe that you HAVE to be a Catholic or any other one single sect of an organized religion to be loved, to be saved, or to be a good person. They all sound hateful, self-righteous, and judgmental, I wouldn’t want to go to a church service with them sitting in the pews with me anyway. I wish people would stop giving Catholics, Christians, and religious followers in general a bad name with this behavior. 

So what do you all think about this? Have you ever felt judged for not regularly going to religious services? Do you have a problem with people who only go to religious services a few times a year? Where do you stand on the issue? Let me know in the comments section so we can have a discussion about it. Maybe you can bring up something I haven't considered yet, but to me it seems unnecessarily judgmental. 

P.S. Something seems to have gotten messed up with the font of this post, so I apologize if it looks weird on your screen.

Angels

When I was little, my Catholic parents taught me five prayers to say every night before going to sleep. Those were:

What can I give him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would give him a lamb.
If I were a wise man, I would do my part.
What can I give him? I'll give him my heart.

Angel of God, my guardian dear.
To whom God's love commits thee here.
Ever this night, be at my side.
To light and guard, to rule and guide.

Hail Mary, full of grace
The lord is with thee
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus
Holy Mary, mother of God
Pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our death

Our Father, who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil
For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours
Now and forever more

Glory be to the father, and to the son, and to the holy spirit
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be
World without end

Those are the prayers that I have completely memorized to this day. When I got a little older they tried to teach me the Apostle's Creed but I've always had to think about that one when I try to recall it. These five though are etched into my mind permanently. As an adult who has spent a great deal of time contemplating my beliefs, I can't say that I still fully believe every word of every one of these prayers as a religious pluralist. However, when I feel the need to pray, these are still what my mind tends to go to automatically.

Of course, you can see that the prayer "Angel of God" is one of my go-to prayers. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the nature of angels. One of my best friends says that she doesn't believe in ghosts, but she believes that when people die, they go to heaven instead of haunting the earth and they become angels (which reminds me, I'd like to make a post about beliefs in ghosts and the afterlife soon!). When I was little I think I held the same belief. However, as an adult who has done some research, I realize that this particular belief really isn't backed up by much theological evidence (which doesn't necessarily make it less valid). It appears that according to Christianity, angels are something different and separate. I also know quite a few people who don't strictly consider themselves Christian or do consider themselves to be loosely a Christian but don't adhere to any one specific sect of Christianity that still believe in angels. In fact, I know of quite a few neo-pagans, New Age followers, Christian witches, and/or other witches who practice a sort of angel magic which admittedly I don't know much about.

Yesterday, my mother and I were at the Renaissance festival and we stopped at a shop that does tarot card and palm readings. We usually get our tarot cards read every year when we go, but last year I bought my own deck of tarot cards along with a guide book and a mat that teaches you how to lay out the cards for a full reading. I promised myself that I would learn how to read them myself although I haven't been making as much progress as I'd like, I decided to forego the reading this year in the hopes that it would motivate me to keep trying to learn it on my own. However, we still looked at the shop and realized they were selling a pack of angel cards, which to my knowledge are similar to tarot cards but involve specifically asking angels for answers. My mother has always been very interested in angels. She has a picture of Saint Michael the Archangel hanging in her house, she gave me a small statue of Michael for protection against demons, and she fully believes that she has personally seen and has been helped by angels before. She was immediately drawn to this deck and decided to purchase it. Now we'll both be trying to learn how to properly read our cards together. I've decided to look into angel magic and different views on angels a little more deeply now because of my mother's newfound interest in the topic so I'll probably try to spend some time researching it this week and may make another post about it soon.

Do you believe in angels? If so, what exactly do you think angels are? Do you think angel magic is a good thing or do you think it goes against what religion tells us? (Keep in mind for that last question that my mother is a Catholic who has always been completely okay with divination so that question would be different for her than it would be for someone else who has different religious beliefs.)

Maintaining a Balance of Focus in Your Life: Mind, Body, and Soul

I was talking to one of my best friends recently about the importance of maintaining balance in your life. Many people I know get so focused on one aspect of personal development and wellness that they tend to ignore the others. I think we all know someone like this. There's the person who spends all of their time at the gym and checking the nutrition facts on every bite of food they take, but they don't make time for reading, career development, learning new things, or doing hobbies that they enjoy. There's the person who spends all of their time working, doing things for their jobs even when they are at home late at night, and looking for more ways to develop their career, but they hardly spend any time with their family, friends, or partner, often feeling lonely, depressed, and letting their relationships sit on the back burner of their life. I think everyone at one point or another has felt like they were dumped by a friend because their friend got into a new relationship or moved in with their partner and suddenly didn't have time for friends or family anymore, choosing to spend all their free time with their romantic partner. We also all realize that at one point or another we have probably done one of these things ourselves because creating a well balanced life is hard work.

I can't act like an expert here. In fact, I'm often one of the worst offenders. When I did my best studying was when I made sure to spend nearly all my free time studying and barely had any time left over to focus on making sure my house was clean, my errands were done, that I was spending enough time doing things I enjoy with my loved ones, etc. When I focus on giving my all at work, school, and taking care of my household, I tend to realize I've gone weeks at a time without seeing my friends or family. When I focus on eating healthy and working out, I tend to realize that a week or more has gone by without me cracking open a book. There's no doubt about it that I struggle with this, but it's something that I have recently realized I need to work on.

So how do we live a balanced life? My best guess is to create a plan that includes all aspects of our lives: relationships, work/school, fun hobbies, physical and mental health, etc. In that way we are simultaneously focused on everything: mind, body, and soul, but don't go too far off the deep end with any one individual aspect.

So far here's what I've come up with:

• I've created a "study schedule" that tells me exactly what I need to study for every day of the week. When making the schedule, I've taken into account which days I tend to have more time available so I can spend more time on those days but can still get in at least a brief study session to keep the material fresh in my mind on my busy days as well. Sometimes even just fifteen minutes a day can make a difference!
• My dad and I both need to study for our own certification exams and while we are in very different fields, we both use flashcards for studying. We've decided to try to meet up once a week for about an hour or two to quiz each other with our flashcards, getting in some much needed study time to focus on our minds, but also getting in quality father-daughter time in the process. 
• My husband and I have created a "household schedule" where we set aside a certain night of the week for paying bills, a list of weekly chores to do on the weekend, and we know ahead of time which small things we each have to worry about getting done every day. We've created an efficient system for making our shopping lists and even have the designated days of the week for each item listed on the fridge as a reminder so that we don't have to worry about getting stressed out or forgetting to do important things.
• My husband and I have also decided to set aside at least one evening a week for alone time or "date night" (which doesn't have to necessarily mean going out on a date, but could be as simple as watching a movie together or something like that). We also have a few shows that we try to watch together. We don't overdo it letting tv take over our lives, but sometimes having that half hour or an hour here and there where we know we can watch something together and discuss it after is a nice way to bond. The fact that it airs on a schedule outside of our control forces us to actually make the time to watch it together or catch up on it together.
• My husband and I have also bonded quite a bit lately over remodeling our house together. We're not on a strict schedule, but we've been working on it together at least once a week, focusing both on quality time together and improving our home.
• My husband and I have been trying recently to eat healthier meals, especially for dinner. We've discussed the paleo diet with one of my best friends who has been eating paleo for a long time now and have found some ways to make old favorites in a healthier way using less grain and starchy foods. We haven't been very strict about it, but we've started doing smaller things such as using almond flour instead of regular flour, using turnips instead of potatoes, eating more salads and vegetables, learning some smoothie recipes, etc.
• My husband and I are both focusing on making better financial decisions. I've stopped using my credit cards, I cancelled some of my memberships to save money, and we both pack our lunches now for work every day in order to save money so we're not buying our food out anymore.
• My mother and I have decided to set aside one evening a week to go to the gym together, simultaneously getting in a workout for our body wellness and getting to spend some quality mother-daughter time together. It's hard to find time when we're both free, but I have to remind myself that even just a half hour at the gym is better than nothing!
• I worked on getting myself on a new sleep schedule which helps me feel rested and ready for work, simultaneously improving my physical health, mental health, and helps me to be on time for work. 
• My best friend and I work together now and we always eat our lunches together, often doing something special on our lunch breaks like driving a few minutes away from our job and parking near a creek with beautiful fall foliage to have a "lunch break picnic" where we can take in the serene scenery and have the opportunity to catch up with each other privately.
• I make sure to schedule in time to hang out with my friends at least once a week. This often takes the form of "game night" where my husband and I invite two other couples to come to our house and play games together. We're also setting up D&D nights with another group of friends. Sometimes I just spend time with my best friend, his wife, and their children, usually at one of his kid's games or something like that or sometimes I just make plans to hang out with my girl friends at one of our houses or going shopping. One of my best friends lives far away so for her we just try to make time to call each other and talk every day and often play video games together, like WoW, along with some of our other friends because it's a fun hobby and a great way to bond with friends over long distances. 
• I try to make sure I always have time to see my family so I try to go to my sister's house to bond with my niece at least one day a week after work since she her house is less than a five minute drive from my job. I also try to plan to spend time doing something with my family at least once every couple weeks if not more. Sometimes this is doing an actual event, such as today we're going to a festival together, and sometimes it's a more casual and routine affair such as meeting up on Sunday mornings for brunch. 
• One of my new goals is to make some time to do at least a little bit of "for fun reading" every week, even if it's only a chapter or two. I've noticed that one of the most difficult things to do when you're in school is to actually set aside time to read the things you actually enjoy reading because it's easy to get sick of reading after spending so much time reading and studying things for school. I have a Goodreads and make a goal every year of how many books I want to read and it's one of the goals I set for myself that I always manage to reach. It's nice having a challenge that exercises your mind, helps teach you time management, and lets you do something your enjoy. 
• I try to spend at least fifteen minutes a day catching up on recent events and politics so I can stay informed on what's going on in the world. 
• I'm trying to spend time focusing on developing my skills and improving my creativity. I don't have a strict schedule for this, but I do try to make time for it at least once every couple of weeks or as often as I feel stimulated to do so. This can mean writing fiction on my own, working on making a baby blanket for my niece, or doing an arts and crafts project with my friends, such as working on making fall and Halloween wreaths. 
• I'm trying to spend more time in nature. This usually means spending my lunch breaks with my friend outside, taking the time to notice the fall foliage, sunsets, the stars at night, etc. or taking my dog for walks at our local park with one of my best friends. 

You'll probably notice that while I have a lot on this list focusing on mind and body, there's not much for soul outside of making sure I have time to do the things I enjoy and to spend time with my loved ones. It's because I have a difficult time deciding how I define "soul" and "spirituality" for me. I absolutely believe that making the time to focus on what and who I love falls under "soul" when creating a balanced life, but is that enough of a focus for my spirituality? Would it actually fall under "mind" because it helps with mental health? These are questions that I need to contemplate because I don't feel I have the answers yet. What I do know though is that I want to focus more heavily on my spirituality, but I'm not sure what that means yet for me. Does it mean setting aside time to meditate every day? Perhaps setting aside time once a week to pray on my own, such as saying the Rosary, or go to some sort of service, either Catholic mass, a UU service, perhaps performing some sort of witchcraft-esque private ritual on my own, such as something to honor my loved ones who have died or spending time trying to learn how to read tarot cards? Does spending time in nature count more for "mind" or "soul"? If I spend it walking, would it count more for "body"? I haven't decided what I should do yet but I know I want to spend some time thinking about it because I don't think I focus as much on my spirituality as I used to or as much as I should. What do you do to focus on your spiritual well being?

Book Review: When God Was a Woman by Merlin Stone

This book both changed my life and saved my life! I absolutely cannot have a spirituality based blog without including a review of this book. If you're a woman that has any interest at all in spirituality, faith, religions, mythology, history, archaeology, anthropology, sociology, feminism, etc., especially women's history and goddesses, then I cannot recommend this book enough!

Merlin Stone explores the role of women in ancient societies and mythologies and explores the way that goddesses, female spirituality, and women in general have been erased and had their roles altered by men throughout history. Our history and our power has been taken from us and it's about time we take it back and work to uncover the truth of our ancestors!

I know many women who are raised in religious households find it very difficult to keep in touch with their spiritual side, especially if they start to look into feminism. It's hard to realize your worth as a woman and then have to come to terms with the fact that the religion you were raised with often oppresses you and can't see that worth. For me, I was raised Catholic. Once I got old enough to think critically for myself I started thinking about the way the Catholic Church treats women. They won't even allow women to be priests, let alone hold a position any higher up in the hierarchy, such as bishops, cardinals, or the Pope. When I was little I asked my parents about this and they said, "well, women can't be priests, but they can be nuns! It's like a woman priest. Men can only be priests, they can't be nuns." and in my childish mind this explanation of separate but equal satisfied me. As I got older I realized that men could in fact be something very similar to nuns as they could be friars or monks, but women could not hold a position similar to a priest. Women may be leaders in their parish, they might volunteer for the fish fry, work in the church office, sing in the choir, volunteer at Catholic schools, organize charity and fundraising events, decorate the church for the holidays, etc. and at least in my family's parish it is almost always the women who fulfill these roles and not their husbands, but no matter how dedicated women are, no matter how hard they work, no matter how much they pray, the church will never let them actually lead their parish. They will always have to answer to a man. The church will never let them hold mass. The church will never let them rise in the ranks and hold real authority even if they become nuns. The church will never ordain women. No woman will ever be the Pope.

Now, I say "never" here because the Church itself says never, but I don't think this will actually be the case. I remain hopeful that I will live to see the day the Church changes it's stance and decides to ordain women. However, I don't think I will ever see a female Pope in my lifetime. That would be too much change too soon. But I'm hoping that little by little we'll start to see some progress.

In the meantime though, it's hard to reconcile my views on women with the church's views on women. It makes me not want to even go to mass at all. Not to mention the fact that the more I looked into different religions and mythologies, the more I realized that while most modern religions (at least in the West) hold the idea that god is a man, that wasn't always the case. In the past women were revered as goddesses and women held important roles in the temples to those goddesses. Yet somehow in the centuries since, women's role in religion completely changed to us taking the back seat to men in almost all ways. It started to seem to me like instead of making progress through time, we were actually going backward. That's what led me to pick up this book and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm serious. Go get this book right now and start reading it! You won't regret it.

Happy Mabon!

So I know I took a long break from this blog, but I'm really trying to get more in touch with my spiritual side and get back into it! This seemed like the perfect opportunity to do so. I didn't get much of a chance to celebrate the autumnal equinox today unfortunately. I did have some pumpkin spice coffee, reblogged some autumn stuff on tumblr and facebook, and had a home cooked meal with my husband. My dad bought me some fresh corn (my favorite food!) from a local farm the other day and tomorrow I'll be going to our local Renaissance festival with my mother. In my mind, buying from local farms and using them in home cooked meals is the best way to celebrate the harvest. There's just something about buying from a local farm stand that just makes it taste better than the grocery store! And to me, pumpkin spice flavored things and the Renaissance festival (which always comes in September where I live) just ushers in the autumn season. In my mind, that marks the beginning of fall. I don't know about where you live, but here we've started to have trees change colors since August and now they're finally starting to be more plentiful and noticeable so it's really starting to feel like autumn has arrived! I hope you all got the chance to celebrate the changing of the seasons and the second harvest festival of the pagan wheel. Happy fall everyone!