Looking through the Ten Commandments, or to be honest any religion's definition of sin, is stress inducing to me. Pick a sin, any sin, and I've probably done it. I try to be a good person, I try to focus on my spiritual growth, but with so many contradictory views and so many mistakes under my belt, the only conclusion I can come up with, is that if hell exists and religion is right about what sends you there, I'm probably going there.
I was raised Catholic so let's look at some of the most basic rules for them, The Ten Commandments:
1. I am the Lord your God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
I'm a pluralist. I fail this one on principle probably.
2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
So saying god damn it or Jesus Christ in anger? Oops.
3. Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day.
Going to weekly mass? Nah...
4. Honor thy father and mother.
Did I ever tell you guys about the time my mom and I almost got into a physical fight but she ended up punching the table instead of me and we dragged each other onto the floor? Or how about the time I fantasized about killing her every day for months on end because of the way she treated my grandmother? Or all the fights we've gotten into over the years? My relationship with my dad is fairly decent though. I mean, even my relationship with my mom is decent overall, but we've hit just as many rough patches as good patches. And sin or not, I have never and probably will never forgive her for the way she treated my grandmother. To be honest, the fact that she's forgiven herself makes me more angry at her. She felt guilty, talked to her priest, and he framed it as though my dad was the guilty party when he wasn't. He didn't absolve her of sin, he made her believe that she wasn't guilty of committing one. In my eyes, that means that she has never and will never truly be sorry and therefore can never be redeemed for it. If I'm going to hell, she'll be there with me, I guess.
5. Thou shalt not kill.
By the law's standards, I'm good on this one. I haven't murdered anybody. By the Church's standards, however....I'm not ready to talk about this on here just yet. But if you think really hard about what the Church would consider murder and what a lot of religious people consider murder that the justice system and most liberals do not consider murder, well...I think it's obvious.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Have I ever told ya'll about the marriage I wrecked?
7. Thou shalt not steal.
Is shoplifting as a teenager really that bad?
8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
Like witness in court? I'm good. Gossiping or lying however...eh, not so much. Although I will say that usually when I gossip it's only with stuff that I have verified as being true.
9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.
Okay, so, I know I mentioned this above but like, did I tell you guys about the marriage I wrecked? Also, this should seriously just say spouse.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods.
Okay, but like, is there anyone on earth not guilty of this?
Well, you might say, the Golden Rule is what's most important. Treat others the way you want to be treated. That's more important than a list of rules from 3,000 years ago.
True. But take a long look at that list up there. Not going to church every week doesn't mistreat anyone except God if God is real and requires that. Same with a few of the other rules too. But some of them are cold hard evidence that I have NOT treated other people the way I would want to be treated. If I had, I probably would've never cheated or been the other woman, but I did and I was. I wrecked a marriage that had kids involved. They're back together now and both are my friends, and I'm still with the person I cheated on, so I guess it surprisingly all worked out okay, but that was a hell of a breach of the golden rule.
So what do we do in a situation like this? We look at a list of sins and realize we are guilty of almost everything. Are we a lost cause? What if we don't even consider all of them to be sins anymore? Does that make us even more of a lost cause?
I don't know, but my personal belief is that we are never truly a lost cause as long as we're still striving to be better. My spiritual life now has become redefining what the word sin means to me and striving to stop committing them. I'm not there yet, there are still some things that even I define as a sin that I'm not ready to give up yet, but I'm trying to be a little bit of a better person than I was before. Hopefully that counts for something...
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Ex-Catholics and Questioning Faith
I've pretty much considered myself an ex-Catholic for a few years now. When I was in college and my schedule allowed I often went to daily mass, I've attended Catholic school, and even considered being a nun at one point (shocker, since I'm such a sinner now lol). But at some point my horizons expanded, I grew unable to ignore my disagreements with the Catholic church, and I now undoubtedly consider myself a religious pluralist, though my Catholic roots are still strong in my faith and in my life.
Within the past few years, quite a few of my family members also began questioning Catholicism. My grandmother was the first and the most depressing. She lost faith due to how much pain she was in from the deaths of her second husband (the first died young) and her son within four months of each other within the last year of her life and the way so many of her family members, including her own sister, turned their backs on her in the end. She began doubting the existence of heaven and lost hope that she would ever see her loved ones again. It broke my heart. I wanted nothing more than for her to keep that hope regardless of what I believed in and regardless of my issues with the Catholic Church. I tried to convince her to hold onto her hope and faith but I fear that she may have been too far gone in her own depression.
My mother was next. She ultimately decided to stick with the Catholic Church, but for awhile considered looking into other denominations of Christianity. Her reasons for wanting to split with the Church were the complete opposite of mine. In her opinion, the Church had become too lenient, too liberal, too modern, and other things that I completely disagree with.
Most recently was my sister. Just two weeks ago we discussed her desire to start "church-shopping" because she felt rejected from the Catholic Church. She has had two failed marriages. The first time she was married in the Catholic Church and got a divorce but did not get an annulment until recently. The second time she didn't bother getting married in the Catholic Church at all. Then she wanted to get married for a third time. Her new husband has had one failed marriage and they were married in the Church. Her and her new now-husband were expecting a child together and wanted the child to be raised Catholic and have parents married in the Church. So she started on the process of getting a divorce from her second husband while simultaneously getting an annulment from her first husband while he worked on getting both a legal divorce and an annulment in the Church from his first wife. My sister's divorce and annulment went through without a problem but her new husband had more problems. First, his legal divorce was quite a bumpy ride with lots of fighting and it didn't go through until my sister was already within the last month of her pregnancy. She wanted to get married before the baby was born so they quickly got a legal marriage at the court house about two weeks before she gave birth. Then they started planning their religious wedding ceremony and reception.
His annulment took forever. They were told it would go through in time so they were encouraged by the priest at our family parish to set a date and send out invitations, so they did. Then about a week before the wedding they were told that the annulment would not go through for another three weeks unless his first wife wrote a letter saying that she had no intention to fight it. He called her and begged her to do so but she refused unless he paid her money. The priest who encouraged them to go forth with the plans denied he ever said that. The diocese made no effort to rush the process after dragging their feet for over a year. My sister was heartbroken and humiliated by the thought of having to call everyone she invited to tell them the ceremony location would have to be moved from the church to the reception site, she was disappointed because the whole reason for her planning a real wedding was to have it recognized by the church since they were already legally married, and she was angry that the process was so difficult and taking so long. In her state of depression, she told me that she felt rejected by the Catholic Church and wanted to leave. She said that they do so much for the church: her husband sings in the choir, she's a substitute teacher for CCD, she bakes desserts to donate to the fish fry and creates gift baskets for their raffles, etc. Why would they treat her like this? Why would the priest lie about what he advised them to do to cover his own ass to the diocese? I had no answer for her.
She then told me she was looking into the Episcopal Church, the American version of Anglicanism. Her reasons was that they are the most similar to the Catholic Church which she does believe in, while simultaneously not requiring annulments, not forcing confession, they don't excommunicate anyone, they don't seem to be on the same power trip that the Catholic dioceses are, they allow priests to marry, and they ordain women, which are all things she agrees with. I was so happy! Another member of my family who has an issue with the Church's refusal to ordain women who was planning to switch churches to one that does?! A dream come true for me! I told her I'd be willing to switch with her and that I haven't considered myself Catholic for a long time (although, in truth, I've looked into "rebel" Catholic churches with female priests who faced excommunication and turned their backs on the Vatican in order to lead unofficial Catholic masses and follow their calling from God). I was so happy that I'd have an ally in my family who would support my decision to deflect from the Church.
Well, that lasted all of about three days. At the last minute, after calling everyone and changing all her plans, her husband was able to convince the diocese to call his ex-wife and coerce her into admitting she had no desire to prevent the annulment from going through and they were able to have the Church wedding they had planned. On the one hand, I'm happy for my sister. She was able to have the wedding she wanted and felt comfortable staying in the Catholic Church now that they had pulled through for her. She even forgave the priest. On the other hand, I'm disappointed, because now she's going to stay in a Church that has very little respect for women and refuses to treat us as equals and she's going to raise her baby girl in that Church with that horrible, medieval mindset. I wanted better for my niece. I wanted her to be raised in a Church that would view her as an equal to any man. I'm not saying that the Episcopal/Anglican church is a gender equality paradise by any means, because while I don't know much about it, I highly doubt that any denomination of Christianity that holds Paul in high esteem could possibly be devoid of all misogyny, but it would have been a step in the right direction.
Now that this is over, I'd like to do more of my own research into that denomination and hopefully make a blog post about it in the near future and do some of my own soul searching to determine if I should plan to convert to any other denomination or simply continue existing with one foot in the Catholic Church and the other in my own personal pluralist beliefs. At the end of the day, I'm probably better off continuing as I am considering no matter what denomination I find, if it's still a denomination of Christianity there is no chance that I will agree with it 100%. But we'll see.
Do any of you have any personal stories of deflecting from your family's religion that you were raised to believe?
Within the past few years, quite a few of my family members also began questioning Catholicism. My grandmother was the first and the most depressing. She lost faith due to how much pain she was in from the deaths of her second husband (the first died young) and her son within four months of each other within the last year of her life and the way so many of her family members, including her own sister, turned their backs on her in the end. She began doubting the existence of heaven and lost hope that she would ever see her loved ones again. It broke my heart. I wanted nothing more than for her to keep that hope regardless of what I believed in and regardless of my issues with the Catholic Church. I tried to convince her to hold onto her hope and faith but I fear that she may have been too far gone in her own depression.
My mother was next. She ultimately decided to stick with the Catholic Church, but for awhile considered looking into other denominations of Christianity. Her reasons for wanting to split with the Church were the complete opposite of mine. In her opinion, the Church had become too lenient, too liberal, too modern, and other things that I completely disagree with.
Most recently was my sister. Just two weeks ago we discussed her desire to start "church-shopping" because she felt rejected from the Catholic Church. She has had two failed marriages. The first time she was married in the Catholic Church and got a divorce but did not get an annulment until recently. The second time she didn't bother getting married in the Catholic Church at all. Then she wanted to get married for a third time. Her new husband has had one failed marriage and they were married in the Church. Her and her new now-husband were expecting a child together and wanted the child to be raised Catholic and have parents married in the Church. So she started on the process of getting a divorce from her second husband while simultaneously getting an annulment from her first husband while he worked on getting both a legal divorce and an annulment in the Church from his first wife. My sister's divorce and annulment went through without a problem but her new husband had more problems. First, his legal divorce was quite a bumpy ride with lots of fighting and it didn't go through until my sister was already within the last month of her pregnancy. She wanted to get married before the baby was born so they quickly got a legal marriage at the court house about two weeks before she gave birth. Then they started planning their religious wedding ceremony and reception.
His annulment took forever. They were told it would go through in time so they were encouraged by the priest at our family parish to set a date and send out invitations, so they did. Then about a week before the wedding they were told that the annulment would not go through for another three weeks unless his first wife wrote a letter saying that she had no intention to fight it. He called her and begged her to do so but she refused unless he paid her money. The priest who encouraged them to go forth with the plans denied he ever said that. The diocese made no effort to rush the process after dragging their feet for over a year. My sister was heartbroken and humiliated by the thought of having to call everyone she invited to tell them the ceremony location would have to be moved from the church to the reception site, she was disappointed because the whole reason for her planning a real wedding was to have it recognized by the church since they were already legally married, and she was angry that the process was so difficult and taking so long. In her state of depression, she told me that she felt rejected by the Catholic Church and wanted to leave. She said that they do so much for the church: her husband sings in the choir, she's a substitute teacher for CCD, she bakes desserts to donate to the fish fry and creates gift baskets for their raffles, etc. Why would they treat her like this? Why would the priest lie about what he advised them to do to cover his own ass to the diocese? I had no answer for her.
She then told me she was looking into the Episcopal Church, the American version of Anglicanism. Her reasons was that they are the most similar to the Catholic Church which she does believe in, while simultaneously not requiring annulments, not forcing confession, they don't excommunicate anyone, they don't seem to be on the same power trip that the Catholic dioceses are, they allow priests to marry, and they ordain women, which are all things she agrees with. I was so happy! Another member of my family who has an issue with the Church's refusal to ordain women who was planning to switch churches to one that does?! A dream come true for me! I told her I'd be willing to switch with her and that I haven't considered myself Catholic for a long time (although, in truth, I've looked into "rebel" Catholic churches with female priests who faced excommunication and turned their backs on the Vatican in order to lead unofficial Catholic masses and follow their calling from God). I was so happy that I'd have an ally in my family who would support my decision to deflect from the Church.
Well, that lasted all of about three days. At the last minute, after calling everyone and changing all her plans, her husband was able to convince the diocese to call his ex-wife and coerce her into admitting she had no desire to prevent the annulment from going through and they were able to have the Church wedding they had planned. On the one hand, I'm happy for my sister. She was able to have the wedding she wanted and felt comfortable staying in the Catholic Church now that they had pulled through for her. She even forgave the priest. On the other hand, I'm disappointed, because now she's going to stay in a Church that has very little respect for women and refuses to treat us as equals and she's going to raise her baby girl in that Church with that horrible, medieval mindset. I wanted better for my niece. I wanted her to be raised in a Church that would view her as an equal to any man. I'm not saying that the Episcopal/Anglican church is a gender equality paradise by any means, because while I don't know much about it, I highly doubt that any denomination of Christianity that holds Paul in high esteem could possibly be devoid of all misogyny, but it would have been a step in the right direction.
Now that this is over, I'd like to do more of my own research into that denomination and hopefully make a blog post about it in the near future and do some of my own soul searching to determine if I should plan to convert to any other denomination or simply continue existing with one foot in the Catholic Church and the other in my own personal pluralist beliefs. At the end of the day, I'm probably better off continuing as I am considering no matter what denomination I find, if it's still a denomination of Christianity there is no chance that I will agree with it 100%. But we'll see.
Do any of you have any personal stories of deflecting from your family's religion that you were raised to believe?
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