Mourning

Today is my grandmother's birthday. If she were alive, she'd be 94 years old. She was the one person I was closer to than anyone else. She watched me and took care of me growing up. She made my childhood the absolute best that it could have ever been. My entire life I have always known that there was at least one person who loved me unconditionally, totally and completely, who would always be there for me, to listen and comfort, and who I would always be there for in return. I am so grateful that I even had someone like that in my life. But now she's gone. She died in April at 93 years old.

That was by far the worst day of my entire life. I remember it quite clearly. I walked into her bedroom and it felt like I'd stepped into hell. I tried to shake her awake, called 911, tried to resuscitate her, screamed for her to wake up. But even as I was doing these things, I started noticing little details that I was trying desperately to deny, to hope that the inevitable hadn't happened: her body was too stiff, her calves and feet looked almost purple, something wasn't right about her eyes; they were almost closed, but just slightly open, and I couldn't see her actual eyes inside.

I was no stranger to death. In the past year before I lost her I also lost my grandfather, whom I was also extremely close to (they died one year and five days apart), my uncle (her son, which left her devastated), and my great uncle who died right before my eyes. The day before my grandmother died, a family friend whom my grandmother considered to be "like a grandson" to her also passed, but his body wasn't found until the day after my grandmother died (thankfully, as it would have broken her heart to know that he died). And I lost a few other family members in the past few years. I've had classmates pass, childhood friends, neighbors, and pets. Still, nothing prepared me for walking into that room. Nothing prepared me for the events of that day.

If she were alive today, we would have celebrated with a party. We even talked about it before she died, inviting the whole family and having a huge meal. Instead, today was just upsetting and miserable. I'm going to go light a candle for her, wish her a happy birthday, and say a few prayers.