Honoring the Dead

In most religions and even secular society, we tend to have some sort of funeral service when a loved one dies. I've been to some very traditional funerals, the typical Catholic viewing-mass-burial-wake combo, and to some slightly less traditional ones, such as a memorial service where everyone was invited to gather around the ashes of the deceased, talk among each other about how they knew the deceased, and then finally the immediate family made a few brief speeches and led a quick prayer followed by a lunch buffet. These rituals are more for the living than for the dead, they are to give us a sense of closure, and I believe that they help quite a bit with the grieving process despite the fact that most people claim that they "hate funerals."

For some of us, the grieving process and need for closure extends far beyond the week of the death. In my family we visit the graves of our loved ones for years or even decades to come to deliver wreaths, flags, plant flowers, etc. Most of my family members are buried in the same cemetery, all buried in the ground where we can put wreaths or plant flowers right over their graves. However, on my dad's side of the family, mausoleums are the preferred method of burial. Both of my grandparents are buried in a mausoleum in a very high plot that I can't even reach and my uncle was cremated and placed in a mausoleum plot in the same cemetery.

This makes it very difficult for me to be able to mourn them in the way that I'm used to. With my other family members, I can bring them a wreath or some flowers and it feels like I'm honoring them, I'm doing something special for them and bringing them an offering of sorts, and it helps me to feel connected to them. I realize that this is more for my benefit than for theirs, but it really helps me to do so. I'm at a loss for ways to honor my loved ones in mausoleums which is especially hard on me since the people I was always closest to were my grandparents and they are the ones that are the most difficult to honor after their deaths.

I've been trying to come up with some new ways to honor the dead that I can use with them and it seems like the perfect time to explore these further since we are entering October. October is of course the height of the Halloween season, a holiday which focuses on the veil between the living and the dead. Across different religions and cultures this time of year is a time to honor the dead. In Catholicism, the day after Halloween is All Saints Day, a day to honor the most holy of people who have gone before us, and the day after that is All Souls Day, a day to honor and pray for all our dead. In Mexican culture, the Day of the Dead festivities go from October 31st to November 2nd where they bring offerings to their loved ones' graves and pray for them (among other festivities). In many neo-pagan and wiccan faiths, the holiday of Samhain falls on Halloween and food is set aside for our ancestors, rituals are done to honor the dead, and the thinning of the veil between the living and the dead is recognized. Honoring the dead is a major part of many different spiritual and religious traditions and is also a very important part of our spirituality and mental health as the living who were left behind. I hope to draw on many of the paths I've studied for inspiration on ways to honor my grandparents.

Things I've come up with:

• Going to the mausoleum and silently praying the Rosary while standing in front of my grandparents' graves (they were Catholic so regardless of my personal religious beliefs, it seems like a good practice to honor them) and then quietly talking to them or silently talking to them in my head and hoping they can somehow hear me.
• Buying purple flowers, my grandmother's absolute favorite, but placing them on my table at home instead of bringing them to the cemetery where I have no where to put them. This way, I'm still going out and buying them for her to honor her and can go purchase them on important dates such as on her birthday. Whenever I see them sitting on my table I can think of her and remember how happy they would have made her.
• Starting a garden where I could plant purple flowers and tend to them regularly as a way to honor her.
• Starting a garden where I could plant some food necessary to make some of her recipes. So for example, planting tomatoes so I could use her sauce recipes to make it completely from scratch (yes, she was Italian, so her sauce recipe was a big deal). 
• Setting up an ancestor altar in my house to honor them. I could use a small surface to set up a picture of them, perhaps set out a few things that belonged to them such as the necklace my grandmother wore everyday, I could set up a vase of purple flowers, and a candle to light when I say a prayer for them or talk to them. 
• Getting a memorial tattoo. I've thought about this one quite a bit and I know exactly what I would want to get if I go through with it.
• Doing things that would honor them or that they liked doing. For example, I want to read my grandfather's favorite books, I want to try to improve my Italian and become fluent in it because that was their first language, and I want to visit Italy someday to see the places where they grew up, where they got married, etc. 
• Making and eating one of their favorite meals, especially if it was something that my grandmother used to make for me.
• Donating to a charity in their honor, especially if it's one that would have helped them while they were alive, for example an Alzheimer's research organization. 

I might try doing some of these things this month and I plan on continuing to look for new and different ways to honor them as well. What rituals and practices do you use to honor your loved ones who have passed away?