Everyone, more or less, wants to think of themselves as being a good person. Whether we define that by religious standards, legal standards, philosophical standards, or by some other set of morals, we all want to view ourselves as good people and will even go so far as to make excuses for our immoral decisions when we know we aren't being as good as we could be. I've been living that way for a long time.
There are certain ways I view myself. I consider myself to be a spiritual person. I consider the morality part of faith to be more important than the theological aspects. I try to be the type of person who helps out other people, through occasional volunteering, donating to charities, and being the first person to offer assistance when someone needs help. I call myself a feminist. I read books and do research into environmentalism, animal rights, and human rights issues.
However, whether I like to admit it or not, I know I make a lot of decisions that don't align with the way I view myself or the person I want to be. I want to be the type of person who would never intentionally do something that could hurt another person, especially those I consider friends or family. I want to be a loyal person who would never betray the people close to me. I don't want to be the person who is always in the center of drama, gossip, rumors, and arguments. I don't want to lie, cheat, or otherwise be dishonest and hurtful to others. I don't want to be the type of person who talks about people behind their backs, judges them for things I've done, or makes fun of them. As a feminist, I want to strive for solidarity with other women and I don't want to ever pit myself against other women. As an environmentalist, I want to take an active role in recycling and leaving a smaller carbon footprint. As a human rights activist, I don't want anyone to view me as someone "safe" to vent to about their racist, homophobic, sexist, xenophobic, or religious prejudice views. I want to be the person who is brave enough to stand up to them when they do. As someone who loves animals, I want to lead the way for compassionately caring for companion animals and humane treatment for farm animals. I'd like to even go so far as being vegetarian or vegan someday. I want to be the type of person who goes out of my way to care for the poor, the sick, the elderly, the needy, and children. There are many things I'd like to do and certain things I strive to be, yet I continuously fall short of the mark and make excuses for my own immoral behavior in order to live with myself. For quite awhile now, all these things that I know I shouldn't do are exactly what I've been doing.
Starting today, I want to start making some very serious changes in my life. How can I talk about spirituality, faith, feminism, and morals while living a completely immoral life? I'm a hypocrite. I've known that for a long time but didn't want to acknowledge it.
I don't want to get into details about some of the things I've done that I'm not proud of. This blog isn't a confessional, it's a public forum, and my failings are no one's business but my own. However, I am making a promise to myself and making that promise public that starting today I will be actively making a change. From now on, I will think before I speak and act. I will contemplate my decisions before I make them. I will take the time to ask myself, "if I do this/say this/choose this, can anyone get hurt?" If someone else tries to drag me into something that's immoral, I will stand up and say "I don't agree with you and I don't want to be involved in this." I might not be able to change other people's minds, but I can let them know without any uncertainty that I do not encourage their beliefs or behaviors.
It's time to make a change and start being the person I want to be.
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