Let's Talk About Sex- 20 Questions!

If you grew up in a religious household, especially if your family's religion is one of the Abrahamic faiths, you likely equated sexuality to sinfulness. Unfortunately, many of us still view it that way, even if our concept of religion and sin has changed. My definition of a "sin" and your definition of a "sin" might be different and both of our views might be different than either of the religions we grew up with. So let's explore that for a moment. When I define sin for myself today, I don't view it the same as the Catholic church. I view it as something that goes against the Divine, that goes against my own well being or the well being of someone else, or something that is intentionally harmful. That being said, let's look at some of the things that religion does, or alternatively does not, view as a sin when it comes to sexuality and explore our own opinions on the topics.

Important Note: For the purpose of this post, look at the word sin as "morally and spiritually wrong" when I discuss my views on it. Do not use your religion's definition of sin.

Disclaimer: I'm discussing MY OPINIONS and giving different ways for us to explore these topics together. I'm not making blanket statements about what's right or wrong. You must decide for yourself.

Warning: The topics and language used in this post are for adults only and will contain sexual content. Despite this blog being mostly family friendly, this post is NSFW. 

1. Is premarital sex a sin?

In my opinion, absolutely not. Here are the questions I ask myself: Does it hurt anyone? Does it hurt me or my partner? Is it a way for you to show love for the person you're with? Is it enjoyable, safe, consensual? Would it be unwise to rush into marriage with the person or are you unable to marry them even if you wanted to? Are you responsible about it? Do you feel ready? I feel like sex is a very personal decision and only you can know if you're ready or if you should have sex with a certain person. I don't think that it's a bad thing to have sex before marriage. In fact, I lost my virginity a good eight and a half years before I got married and I don't regret it nor do I feel any guilt about it whatsoever. I have nothing to feel guilty for. I was ready and I made the choice that was right for me.

2. Is extramarital sex a sin? 

Yeah. Most of the time at least. Unless you have some kind of arrangement where you're both okay with an open marriage or want to have a threesome or something, but even then, even if the other person agrees, it can often still hurt or cause jealousy. And what of the other person? Will they be lead on? If it hurts yourself or another person, then in my opinion, it's immoral. Does that make you a bad person if you have extramarital sex? No, not necessarily. Good people can certainly do some not so good things. We all mess up from time to time. We just have to make amends and strive to do better. 

3. Are same-sex relations a sin? What about same sex marriage?

Absolutely not. I firmly believe that our sexual orientation is a natural part of who we are. It's something that we're born with. We can't change or choose whether we are straight, gay, or bi. The Divine made us that way and we are perfect the way we are. We should choose to live our lives as the truest version of ourselves, the way we were created to be. Look at it this way: if God made you gay, what right does anyone else have to say God's wrong? Being in love with someone of the same sex doesn't hurt anyone. However, forcing or coercing people into relationships with people of the opposite sex when they aren't attracted to them hurts both parties. Forcing people who love each other to be apart hurts both parties. Teaching people that the way they naturally are is somehow immoral, gross, weird, or otherwise wrong is extremely harmful to them and can cause mental illness, lifelong emotional issues, and suicide. In my opinion, being homophobic is a sin. Being gay or bi is not. 

4. Are familial sexual/romantic relationships a sin?

This is a tough one. Most of the time when people are in relationships with or engage in sexual activities with a family member it's because they were arranged marriages to a cousin or uncle, historically done to keep bloodlines pure, done in a culture where incest is defined differently (where only immediate family counts), or most often in modern Western civilization, it's because an older family member is raping a younger family member. I'd say that in the vast majority of cases, it's a sin (for the older relative or man who is forcing or coercing a younger relative or woman into it, not for the person who feels they have no choice or who are forced into it). In the rare cases where two family members are of the same age range and have an equal amount of power and choice in the situation but honestly feel attracted to each other, well...I guess it's a gray area. I might not consider it a sin in that scenario, but I feel like those scenarios are rare and usually a result of being raised badly/having a bad family.

5. Is sexual activities with a minor a sin?

Yep. That's my opinion. If you're having sex with someone who is prepubescent and you aren't prepubescent yourself, it's definitely, hands down, no matter what, a sin. Period, end of discussion. You're a child molester, you're a rapist, and you're a terrible person. Especially if you're actually an adult. If you were both children at the time, that is a really tragic situation. Usually that's the result of bad parenting, lack of supervision, and exposure to things you shouldn't have been exposed to. Often it's the result of one child coercing the other into it (especially if one is older). Depending on how old the other child was or how the situation played out, whether or not I would view it as a sin on their part would vary. However, if you were taken advantage of as a child, you absolutely did not do anything wrong. If you're a teenager having sex with another teenager and you're both minors, I think it depends on the situation. If you're within two years of each other, even if one of you is an adult, I think it's mostly okay. A 19 and 17 year old, an 18 and 16 year old, a 17 and 15 year old, a 16 and 14 year old, even a 15 and 13 year old, doesn't seem THAT messed up. However, even a teenager shouldn't be dating someone who isn't a teenager yet (unless it's like 13 and 12, just a one year difference, but 13 and 11 would be inappropriate). Someone in their twenties shouldn't be dating a minor (20 and 17 is too distant for my taste, but 21 and 18 is fine even though it's the same amount of years). Even if you're both teenagers and both minors, more than two years seems a bit much. For example, a 13 and 16 year old, in my opinion, shouldn't be dating, same with 14 and 17, or 15 and 18. When I was 16 I dated a 19 year old and my parents were very concerned. At the time I didn't see anything wrong with it. As an adult looking back, I absolutely understand. At nineteen he had been graduated for a year, had his own apartment, had his own car, worked full time, etc. At sixteen, I was in the summer in between my sophomore and junior years and didn't even have a license yet. A three year difference when you're teenagers is much bigger than a three year difference in your twenties. You grow up fast and are at vastly different levels of maturity. During that same time frame, one of my friends, also sixteen, was dating someone in his late twenties. What he was doing was absolutely 100% wrong in my eyes. She was trying to figure out whether or not it was technically legal or if he could get in trouble, but whether or not it was technically legal doesn't matter to me. It's still morally wrong. He was still taking advantage of her even though she thought she loved him. Another friend of mine was only 16 and making out with a 40 year old married man with children. He again was absolutely taking advantage of her, hurting his wife, and just all around being terrible. That's a sin. However, a friend of mine started dating a 15 year old when she was 16. At 18, he was only 17. Technically she was an adult and he was a minor but I don't see anything wrong with that. I don't think that's a sin. 

6. Is sexual relations with an animal a sin?

Yes, absolutely, 100%. You're terrible. An animal having sex with another animal is part of nature. They have their own ways of showing consent and unfortunately sometimes rape each other. However, an animal being forced into sex with a person has no way of consenting by human standards. Even if the animal somehow actually seems to like it, they can't actually give verbal consent. In my eyes, anything short of an actual "yes" in human sexuality is non-consensual. Most of the time, the animal doesn't even seem to like it. Most of the time it causes physical pain. Pain and lack of consent are both hurting another creature. Definitely a sin. 

7. Is pornography a sin?

Unpopular opinion time, but yes. Absolutely. Let me explain. Some of the people who are acting in porn genuinely like their jobs. They choose to do it of their own free will, they enjoy doing it, the people who work with them respect them, they respect the people they work with, it's a safe environment, and they mostly aren't promoting things that would hurt anyone else. Sure, it exists. It's rare, but it happens. However, the vast majority of cases are not like this. That scenario is mostly a myth that society buys into because it's what we want to believe. In reality, much of the porn industry works hand in hand with the sex trafficking industry. Many of the people in porn are literally forced to be there. They are being raped. Many of the "barely legal" pornos aren't legal at all. They're minors pretending to be 18 year olds who are pretending to be underage. The child pornography industry is also huge and goes hand in hand with the adult industry. What about the people who choose to do it, you ask? Well, many of them agree to specific acts, only certain scenes, or put certain actors on their blacklist. After the agreements are made, the scenes get changed. If they don't do it, they're labeled hard to deal with, makes it harder for them to get more jobs, they lose pay, and sometimes, they are just outright forced into it anyway. Many porn actresses have come forward with stories of being raped on set or having their limits disrespected. STDs run rampant due to being told they aren't allowed to use protection. Drug use is rampant due to it being hard to handle the scenes and lifestyle without them. Some of the acts in porn have gotten so extreme and brutal that women's bodies are literally being permanently damaged due to the stuff they are being required to participate in (such as double anal, double penetration, extreme bdsm, etc.). Many people who do porn do so because they feel they have no other options, especially once they get started. Whenever you watch porn, there is no way for you to be absolutely sure that the person you're watching A. is the age the porn claims they are B. is not a victim of sex trafficking C. wasn't being raped or coerced into it and had all of their limits respected, was fully consenting D. was sober and clean from drugs and therefore able to give consent E. wasn't harmed during filming. There is no way for you as a viewer to be able to tell for sure. Even the porn videos that have the actors say at the beginning that they consent or porn actors who say off camera or on their blogs that they consent have come out later and say that there were times when they were forced, coerced, badly hurt, under the influence, etc. or that they got started in porn underage. Even if it seems like a homemade film a couple decided to make and release together, there is no way for you to know for sure that it wasn't "revenge porn" (one partner decided to secretly share it after a break up). Aside from all of this, the porn industry has normalized painful sex acts and made men more likely to insist upon them and coerce women into it and has desensitized viewers to rape and abuse. I can provide links to many studies and statistics proving what I'm saying. Porn is rape on tape. Porn is a sin.

8. Is supporting the sex industry a sin?

Yes, and for a lot of the same reasons that porn is. When you hire a prostitute, you have no way of knowing for sure whether she is forced to be there, whether or not she's a victim of sex trafficking, whether or not she's only doing it because she's homeless and needs to survive, whether or not she's under the influence and able to give consent, or whether or not she's a minor. You have no way to tell for sure that she is a legal adult doing it of her own free will because she enjoys it. Consent should be freely given and because the person actually wants to do it. If they fear for their survival if they don't, then it's not true consent. Buying sex is rape. Buying sex is a sin.

9. Is being a prostitute a sin?

No. Many do it because they are forced to or coerced into it or do it for survival. Many do it because they feel they have no other choice. Even if they do it of their own free will and love their jobs, it's still not a sin in my eyes. However, those that do it completely of their own free will when they could just as easily do something else and then speak up in defense of the sex industry are committing a sin in my eyes because they are selfishly ignoring all the others who don't love their jobs and speaking over them to make the sex industry look harmless.

10. Is masturbation a sin?

No. It's completely normal, safe, and healthy to explore your own body and experience pleasure. It doesn't involve anyone else and it doesn't hurt anyone else. How can it be a sin to touch your own body? It's yours. Your genitals are part of who you are. You have every right to masturbate and shouldn't feel guilty for it. 

11. Are non-traditional sex acts and/or sodomy a sin? (oral, anal, period sex, bdsm, etc.)

This is a hard one to answer. I don't believe oral is a sin, but I believe in healthy relationships it should go both ways and no one should be pressured into it. I don't believe anal is a sin, but again, only if both people genuinely enjoy it and want to do it. If one person is being pressured into doing something that they don't like doing or that hurts them, then the person pressuring them is committing a sin. I don't think period sex is a sin and I don't think periods are unclean in any way. They are natural and should be viewed as such. BDSM on the other hand...that's a gray area for me. For the submissives or bottoms, I don't view it as a sin. However, for the dominants, for anyone who violently and intentionally hurts another person, for anyone who gets off on the pain of another person, for anyone who controls another person, I absolutely consider what they are doing to be sinning. I view bdsm relationships to be abusive relationships. I view the dominants as abusers and the submissives as victims. Before you say "safe, sane, and consensual," just remember that I've seen how quickly it can go from safe to people literally dying from being choked. Remember that I have seen how quickly it can go from sane to people allowing their partners to permanently disfigure their bodies. Remember that even in abusive relationships people can consent to stay in them for various reasons but that doesn't make it any less abusive. People who self-harm consent to cutting themselves, people with eating disorders consent to starving themselves, people who kill themselves consent to suicide, minors consent to statutory rape, and sometimes victims consent to stay with their abusers. Consent alone does not make it a healthy relationship. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying it's a sin to give a slap on the ass or have rough sex where you push your willing partner against the wall to kiss them or to spice things up with a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. If my considering it immoral and abusive genuinely confuses you, you probably haven't been exposed to the ugly side of bdsm that I've been exposed to and whatever minor thing you're doing probably doesn't count as a sin in my eyes. 

12. Is rape a sin? How do you define rape?

Absolutely. Rape is one of the biggest sins you can commit. Rape is anything other than enthusiastic, willing, freely given consent between two people of age who are not under the influence, asleep, or otherwise in a state of mind to give consent and who are on equal ground without fear of saying no because of the power the other holds and who both have full knowledge of what is happening. What does that mean? If she's asleep, it's rape. If he's your student, it's rape (not talking college courses here, that's gray area though because of the risk of feeling coerced due to grades). If you have to beg her and plead because she doesn't want to, it's rape. If she agrees if you use a condom but then you intentionally secretly slip it off, it's rape. If you have to blackmail him, it's rape. If she's your slave, it's rape. Biblical times didn't consider that rape, but they should have. Just because the Bible doesn't say it's rape doesn't mean it's not rape. All rape is a sin.  

13. Is polygamy/polyamory a sin?

Another gray area. Technically, I suppose if everyone is fully willing, loves each other, and they don't feel any jealousy, then it wouldn't be. However, once again, that's rarely the case in reality. In fact, despite polyamory becoming more common in Western, liberal, sex-positive circles, it happens most often in Muslim and Mormon communities. In those cases, it's always one man to several wives, strictly heterosexual (meaning the wives aren't together), and the decision is fully left up to the man. This can absolutely cause pain and jealousy for the wives or leave them feeling like replaceable property who are unequal to their husbands. If it hurts another person, I generally consider it immoral. In the vast majority of cases, I'd consider it a sin, no matter what your religion says about it. 

14. Is birth control a sin? If so, what kinds of birth control are sinful?

I don't consider any form of birth control to be immoral or a sin. It's your body, your choice, and you should do what you need to in order to be responsible and safe. Taking medication isn't a sin.

15. Is emergency contraception a sin?

No. It's also not the same thing as abortion and doesn't work in the same way as the abortion pill does. The morning-after-pill will not terminate an existing pregnancy (pregnancy here being defined as a fertilized egg which has attached to the uterine wall, which is the scientific definition). It works primarily by preventing the fertilization of the egg in the first place but also by preventing fertilized eggs attaching to the uterine wall. 

16. Is abortion a sin? Are there certain scenarios when it is or isn't?

Ah, here we go, a nice controversial one to discuss to really get everyone pissed off. Let's start with the obvious. I absolutely 100% do not consider abortion to be a sin if the mother's life or health is at risk or if the fetus will likely die and only live a short painful life and/or be extremely disfigured. I believe it is the woman's choice. That means that if she chooses to carry the pregnancy to term despite the risks, her choice should be respected. It doesn't make her selfish to bring a child into the world just because the child may have "something wrong" with it. In the cases of rape and incest, I also believe it should be the woman's choice. I know someone who said he believes rape should always result in abortion and doesn't think women should ever choose to carry it to term. Again, I think her choice should be respected no matter what. So what of abortions where lives and health aren't at risk either for the mother or the fetus and where rape and incest play no factor? Well, I believe that early term abortion is okay. Late term abortion without good reason is what I do have a problem with. However, it's not even legal to have a late term abortion without a good reason and it's very rare for anyone to actually want one. Most of the time, late term abortions are performed on wanted pregnancies where something went wrong or they found out about a medical condition or risk late in the pregnancy. Very often, these are life and death cases. Therefore, I support them. For me personally, I would only consider it if A. it was very early on, absolutely no later than the first trimester, and likely only if it was in the first six weeks before the first heartbeat and brain activity or B. if my health or life was at risk or my child's life or health were at risk or there was something terribly wrong with it to the point where it would be cruel to give birth to it. So do I personally consider it a sin outside of the two scenarios where I would personally have one? Well...to be honest, yeah, I kind of do. However, I'm still pro-choice. I believe it's the woman's right to choose and if she happens to choose something that I consider a sin, it's still her body and her right to do so. If it turns out that it is a sin and she has to pay for it later, that's on her. If it turns out its not, then no harm done. Either way, we have to make our own choices and live with them. I wish nothing but the best for her. Abortion should be safe, legal, and accessible. We have the right to our own bodies. Even in Christian theology, we were given free will and what we do with it is up to us. If we go against God's word, that's on us too. I don't know if Christianity is the right way or not, I'm just saying that even as far as that goes, that's not necessarily a good argument against it. Even if it is technically murder, it's still someone doing something to their own bodies and I do view it differently than murder done to another person who isn't living in their body. A comparable situation to abortion wouldn't be someone outright murdering someone else, but someone refusing to allow another person to use their body to live, so such as refusing to donate their kidney to someone who needs a kidney transplant, refusing to donate part of their liver to someone who needs it, or refusing to agree to be an organ donor after death. However, most people are okay with those scenarios, don't consider them murder, and don't view them in the same light as abortion at all. For me, on the other hand, I do consider those a sin as well, which is why I'm currently going through the steps to see if I can donate my kidney to a family member. But once again, I believe it should be up to the individual's choice regardless of my personal belief of it being a sin not to do it. I know someone whose religion tells them it's a sin to sign up as an organ donor. He has one belief on whether or not organ donation or refusal to donate is a sin and I have the opposite belief. From a legal standpoint, I think he should have the right to full bodily autonomy no matter what and regardless of me not agreeing with him. 

17. Is IVF a sin?

There are two main arguments that I hear against IVF. One is that doing that is unnatural because you aren't allowing God to decide if and when you should be pregnant. I think that argument's nonsense. Are you going to refuse medical treatment because it interferes with God's plan on if you should live or die? Certainly not. You trust that if God exists he/she/it/they likely created people to become doctors to help care for you. Same for IVF. The other argument I hear is that sometimes they will implant more fertilized eggs that can successfully attach and be carried to term and that therefore it's "abortion" because you implant more in the hopes that at least one takes and take the risk that the others will not. However, I don't even consider it abortion that early on (if it doesn't attach) and certainly not a sin (even if it does).

18. Is having unnatural childbirth a sin?

In the past, the Catholic Church has considered it immoral and sinful to help ease the pain of childbirth and some still consider it as such (although very few extremists do now) because pain in childbirth for all future generations of women was part of God's punishment to Eve. I don't even consider the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden to be a true and historically accurate story. I believe it's a myth and that's what it was always intended to be. I believe it was written to teach something, to explain things, a creation myth like any other. The fact that there are people who would actively try to make childbirth as painful as possible because of this myth literally makes me feel nauseous and causes me to lose faith in humanity. The second argument I've heard is that using an epidural can cause risk to the baby and therefore it's selfish to do so. I disagree. It carries some minor risks, sure, but I don't think it outweighs the benefits and I certainly don't think it makes women selfish to use an epidural. I plan to use one if/when I ever have kids. It's certainly not a sin. 

19. Is marrying outside of your religion a sin?

No. You should marry who you love and who you want to marry as long as it's a healthy relationship. The only thing I worry about is that if two people have vastly different views on religion that it could cause fighting later on or one person may feel pressured to convert or give up their own practices. Things like this must be discussed thoroughly in advance, as well as how children will be raised if you have any. Communication and mutual respect is key!

20. Does a legal only marriage not done in a church count or is it living in sin?

I think it counts and I don't consider it a sin, but then again, I don't consider living with your partner outside of marriage as a sin either. If no one is getting hurt, I don't see the problem. 

If you have any more questions you'd like me to answer or if you want to discuss your opinions on these topics, just leave a comment!